weaning the Chloe-bean

I've officially begun the weaning process with Chloe. At almost 15 months old, some of you might be thinking "it's about time"...while others are thinking, "why not go a few more years?" My thoughts are...well...Ugh. This is where the guilt comes crashing in.

I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate, and though I totally understand that it's not always the right or best decision for every person, I firmly believe that under normal circumstances, it is the healthiest option for both the mom and her baby. God made women this way for a purpose, and created breastfeeding as a source of nourishment, but also as a natural and beautiful way to bond with the baby. I love breastfeeding. Not because I enjoy it or the hassles that go along with it, but because I know I'm doing what I feel is best for my baby.

I've nursed all three of my girls and have had, for the most part, success with all of them. Ella and Britten were "text book" scenarios, both nursing every 2-3 hours for the first couple months of life, gradually introducing rice cereal at 5-6 months, and eventually by 9 months, when eating mostly solid foods, they naturally weaned themselves. This was a little early for me as I had hoped to nurse them until they turned 1, but apparently I had no say in the matter. They would wiggle and squirm, scream and grunt and fight me for all they were worth if I tried to nurse them. I finally gave up the fight and realized they were done. I still had to force myself not to feel guilty, knowing in reality they were going to be fine either way.

I never had to deal with the weaning process before Chloe, and quite honestly I've been dreading it. I've been secretly hoping that Chloe would just wake up one morning and think, "I'm a big girl now. I don't need anymore "nummies" (that's what she calls "them") from Mommy. I'm done, cold turkey." If that could actually happen with Britten and her Nuk,* then surely it could happen with Chloe and her addictive nursing habits...

Or not.

I knew Chloe was a Mommy's girl who had a penchant for nursing from her very first day. The nurses at the hospital attempted to take our quiet, docile, recently nursed baby girl to the nursery so I could catch some much needed sleep, only to bring her back 55 minutes later screaming at the top her lungs. Apparently, moments after entering the nursery, Chloe began to scream (I was told by the nurse holding her that Chloe had the loudest cry they had heard in a long time...wonderful). The qualified team of nurses did all they could to comfort her, swaddling her tight, giving her a pacificer, rocking her back and forth. But nothing worked. Almost an hour later, and after Chloe made all the other babies in the nursery agitated, the nurses decided there was nothing they could do and brought her back to me. I picked up my swaddled, screaming baby out of the cold, plastic bassinet, gave her a quick peck on her soft, black hair, and then did what any nursing mom would do - I "hooked" her up. Within seconds, she was quiet and sleeping peacefully. That was all she wanted and nothing else would do... she was only 1 day old. Nothing has changed since.

I knew, that whenever I decided to wean Chloe, it would be a battle of wills. I never put a time frame on it, knowing that I would only do it if it happened naturally or if I felt it was the right time to do it. Well, that time came a little sooner than expected when I made the impromto decision to go to San Diego with my husband the first week of February. My husband and I agreed that the trip would only be fun and beneficial to our relationship if we could do it without the baby in tow. We needed this trip as an opportunity to escape reality for a few days and spend some much needed quality time together.

Then came the tough decision for me. I was/am still nursing Chloe. Chloe never has/never will take a bottle, so I've never wanted to torture anyone by leaving Chloe overnight with them. She's never been much of sleeper, and even up until a few weeks ago, Chloe was consistently waking up several times a night to nurse. Because her screams (the loudest ever heard, as the nurse pointed out) would wake Britten and Ella, I'd always give in. It was, by far, the easiest option for us but I knew it would come back to bite me (no pun intended).

The decision was made: I would wean the Chloe-bean. And I had three weeks to do it.

I leave for San Diego in one week from tomorrow and so far, I've weaned Chloe from both day feedings (before nap and bedtime) and two of her night time feedings. THAT was tough and took lots of crying...from both mommy and baby. :) She still wakes up at her scheduled times (11pm and 3am) but only fusses and then falls back to sleep. It's her 5am feeding that I'm still working on, but I think that tonight (or tomorrow) I'm just going to let it be, no matter how long or hard she cries...I'll let you know how it goes. :)

It's been a tough couple of weeks, particularly because she's also getting ALL 4 incisors and ALL she wants is ME and her "nummies." Every time I try to put her in her crib, she screams, arches, throws herself around, hits and scratches me all over my face and chest and cries herself silly before she falls asleep (I have to point out that if her Daddy puts her down, she gazes at him lovingly and says in her sweetest voice, "Ni - Ni" and proceeds to quietly drift off to sleep - what's that all about?!?!?!).

It's been torture and the guilt is eating me away, but I know this is ultimately the right decision...particularly for me and my husband. We need this trip like never before and we're really looking forward to it. And if I can be brutally honest (don't tell Chloe), I'm really, really looking forward to being done with nursing and claiming the rights back to her "nummies." :)

*We fought and fought and fought Britten with her Nuk for an entire year, from age 2 to 3 (no judging please!). All of a sudden, after her 3rd birthday, Britten walks up to me, hands me her Nuk and says, "Mommy, I'm 3 and I'm a big girl now. I don't need my Nukky anymore." And that was it. She never asked for it again.